Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
