I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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