WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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