I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
