Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
