well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize