the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
