Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We had to coat check the pizza.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
