Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
