youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
