they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
