you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
