Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
