I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
