There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
