I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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