Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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