She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
FUCK WHALES
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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