Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
