seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize