I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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