my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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