hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
