My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
