If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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