I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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