he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
