Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
