Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Did I show you my penis last night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
