also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
