I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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