I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
