fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
