Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
