totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize