I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
