How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
