i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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