You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
