I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
