Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
