so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
