Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
