it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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