The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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