FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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