you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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