I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
