You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
