Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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