If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
ttyl tear gas
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
