Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
