very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
