I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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