sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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