you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
