Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
