super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize