he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
