Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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