The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
