oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
