So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
