okay pat passed out under dana's car
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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