K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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