chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
