booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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