My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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