wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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