If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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