sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize